sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
