it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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