My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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