A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
