2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete