I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
