Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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