i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
