Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
