I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
