I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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