He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
