i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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