you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
