the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
