Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
