Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
