Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
