i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
