Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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