This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
