if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
