I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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