So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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