I met the friendliest cop last night
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i now understand why vodka
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
