Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We have started to decorate penises.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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