On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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It would be one hovered percent delicioui
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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