I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
