is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
