The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
