I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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