after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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