Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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