So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
