I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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