ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
