I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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