my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
