I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
