dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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