I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
