Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
