I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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