just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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