Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You are a genius and a whore.
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