I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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