Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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