Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
