I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
