i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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