i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
