I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
