im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
