You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
