Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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