I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
