Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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