i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
