I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
