He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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